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I don't want to talk about it, but... [29 Sep 2007|11:52pm]
[ mood | Abandoned ]

I'm sorry that I never comment entries. I just wanted to start off with that.

Right now, I suppose the only reason I'm writing is because I feel pretty hurt and I just wanted to say that to get it off my chest. 

School sucks, btw. 

So does everything else.

[Wishing.]

[22 Sep 2007|02:56pm]
[ mood | content ]

 So... I haven't written in a long time. College started, obviously. It's not so bad, I just get a lot of work and am always kind of busy.  My pink dell laptop came in, which is where I'm writing from right now. It's nice.  It cost me $833. Don't do business with Dell. Also, I got a car. It's a 2007 silver Nissan Sentra. I suck at driving.. but we won't get into that. 

My easiest class so far is probably chemistry, which is weird. All of my classes, except psychology, are easy. I haven't really made a lot of friends.. mostly just one... and sort of two maybe? I don't reallly care though. I've long decided that I don't really miss anyone who has gone away. I don't mean in a cold way, I just mean it doesn't hurt. I obviously think back fondly on some of them, and would like to see them again but that's about it. I can't see anyone missing me that hard either, so whateve! My life really hasn't changed much and so I can't relate, maybe. But mostly I have all the friends I need here. ...which is Hiral and Olesya, MY BFF ANYWAY.  and I get to go to school with Hiral three times a week and I video blog olesya! hooooray.  

I don't really go on this anymore and so I doubt anyone is even going to read this, but I updated it anyway because I feel like I should.

[3 Waiting.] [Wishing.]

The Green Pepper War [14 Aug 2007|04:21pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Yesterday my cousins left. </3 For my birthday, Sannia got me this cute mug with a picture of us on it. I watched Stardust. It was really good and I think everyone should go see it! On Sunday Emily got me a cake :D and Olesya visited me at work and she made me a key friendship necklace so that we can be soulmates and it was great! I definitely got the best presents this year. 

So, one night we were eating dinner that we got from a Turkish Restaurant and there was this 6 inch long giant green pepper, so I picked it up and poked my cousin with it and I don't know why but it just made me laugh really hard and we were like "yeah, I'm going to wake up tonight and you're going to be leaning over me with that pepper." So that night my sister and my older cousin (Daffney.. well... saddaf..) went out somewhere so I took the pepper and wrapped it up in cling film and put it on Natt's pillow. We're sitting in my room waiting for them to find it but they're just being retarded and talking and shit, so I'm like "okay, if they don't find it by 2:30 AM, I'm going to bed. and watch, at 2:29:59 they'll find it just as I'm about to go to sleep." and I'm laying down and just as it turns 2:30, I hear them laughing (they found it!) so we shut off the lights and pretended we were sleeping. So, Saddaf walks in and starts up conversation like nothing happened and when she leaves I can smell the pepper and Sannia finds it behind my pillow, so I put it on my brothers pillow for when he goes to bed. The next morning I reach into my medicine cabinet to get some face stuff and I find the green pepper in my hand instead. Apparently, my brother got into bed and landed right on the pepper and pretty much had a heart attack thinking it  was a giant bug, so he went into the bathroom, put it into the toothbrush holder and squirted pepper juice on a toothbrush thinking it was mine (but it wasn't.) Then my cousins found it and put it in the cabinet thinking I did it. So, while they were out again, I dangled the pepper from Natt's ceiling. We dressed it up as an angel and called it Mr. Bojangles. My sister came home at like 2 AM and she was in trouble so it totally wasn't funny... and.. I think that's the end of the green pepper.  I wouldn't be surprised if it's still hanging there.

I don't know I think it's probably one of those things that you have to be there to laugh at. I'LL POST PICTURES AND MAYBE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND.

[1 Waiting.] [Wishing.]

Sorry for being such a Debbie Downer [22 Jul 2007|05:26pm]
[ mood | blah ]

My cousins are coming on August 6th I think. You know what that means! :D ..well, actually you don't, but I do. My cousin emailed me and apparently my relatives are throwing my little cousin a surprise party. She is 5 fucking years old (or younger.) Why the FUCK would you throw a surprise party for a 5 year old? I don't even know if she's started school yet, she doesn't even have any fucking friends. That stupid FOB girl is too retarded to even know wtf is going on around her, let alone understand the concept of being "surprised" for your birthday. Not really much of a surprise. They should throw me one instead, fucking jerks. Oh, except they don't like me. 

Anyways, for my birthday I hope I get a car, although I doubt it. I'll probably just get car insurance... which isn't much of a birthday present for a lot of reasons, but whatever. I'm going to buy myself a phone and a laptop. I wasn't really planning on doing anything for it this year, probably nothing more than putting on my favorite underwear and eating cake that I'll probably end up making for myself... I considered throwing a party, but my parties always suck and with everyone going away to college and stuff, I doubt anyone would really come, and it kind of hurts my feelings to ask and be rejected and I don't really have it in me this year. It's too late anyways. This year has been the saddest year of my life, so there's really nothing to celebrate. ...well, besides "woohoo, you haven't gone totally insane and tried to kill yourself yet!"

[2 Waiting.] [Wishing.]

[19 Jul 2007|07:35pm]
[ mood | determined ]

Yesterday I had Uconn orientation. The West Hartford campus wasn't this ugly dimpy thing that I remember. The orientation sessions are for 15 students at a time. They made us do icebreakers. I don't know why they do stupid crap like that, icebreakers just make everyone feel like shit. In fact, the only reason I was nervous about orientation was because of the icebreakers. What's the point in "breaking ice" with people I'm probably not going to see again? Everyone mumbled, no one talked to anyone after that, and I can only remember like 2 peoples names because they were loud enough and ...were exceptionally good looking. They took my student ID. I look like a man and I didn't smile because I was so nervous. 

On the plus side, I've decided that I'm going to make the best out of this coming school year and then transfer out. I'm taking Chemistry, Psychology, Philosophy, English and some ... weird.. class... I don't have to wake up earlier than 10 and my latest class ends at 9. The end!

[2 Waiting.] [Wishing.]

[14 Jul 2007|03:04pm]
Yesterday Uconn sent me this "important package for all students living on campus" even though the fucking morons know I'm not, but I opened it anyways. It was this thing about how students keep buying bed sheets that are too small so now you can order them from Uconn. They had this really cute pink striped one and matching towels and pillows and all of this stuff and it was really depressing, even though I don't want to live there anyways. 

Today is Natt's birthday. 

I watched Blood and Chocolate last night, and it was really good. It was kind of like Underworld. The main character was so beautiful, my heart melted everytime he came on screen. I should get a poster of him. 

I've had nightmares for the past 2 weeks. Weird.
[Wishing.]

Yet another entry where my feelings don't come out as I want them to [13 Jul 2007|02:42am]
[ mood | distressed ]

It is 2:43 AM and I feel terrible. I can't sleep. I didn't try turning off the lights, but I just know I won't be able to. I don't have my period to blame so I'm starting to wonder if maybe sleeping too much causes depression. Let me start by making a list of adjectives to describe how I feel now and how I've been feeling for a bit: Stressed out, anti-social, unappreciated, selfish, low self-esteem, irritable, bitter, complete failure, nervous/anxious, but for once not lonely.. I think. Lately though, I don't even trust myself to know me because ever since "the news" in April I don't even want to confront myself like I used to, and pride myself on being able to worm out what is bugging me, because it's so frightening to look at and there's nothing I can do to set myself at ease, just send myself flying into deeper despair by thinking about it. I am being very dramatic. Maybe I am always dramatic late at night.  

Sometimes I get nervous checking my email. I didn't notice it at first but when I did, I realized that I was nervous that someone I didn't know well, or someone awkward would leave me a facebook message that put me in a sort of weird situation or just made me feel awkward (which has happened) and I'd have to think up a response. I realized this was weird and retarded so... I tried to stop feeling that way. 

What also has been bugging me is that I don't feel like seeing anyone, really. I don't even feel like going out. Well, actually I want to go out to shop or something but by the time I wake up most of the day is gone and I just feel disgusting and tired, so I sit around and accomplish nothing. I just want to stay around the house and read or paint or garden all day by myself. What is weirder is that I feel really angry, and resentful and I don't even know what to say to anyone besides, "BLAHBLBHALBHA FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU." I don't think that part of me will ever show, just the opposite -- even if I had the oppurtunity, I would cower away from it. There's that quote that's like "When you think the world has turned its back on you, maybe you've just turned your back on the world." so I always wonder maybe it's not that I can't relate, or that I've put in more effort, or that people are so fucking annoying/inconsiderate/unappreciative/not understanding/intolerant -- maybe it's just that I'm bitter inside and that for so many years I've been looking for reasons to pick people apart in my mind and hate them. ...Although then it throws me when I can find a person I could never be mad at. 

What also annoys me is no matter how many times I tell Microsoft Premium Office 2000 to stop installing when it pops up from opening a website, it still insists on popping up 3 more times like it didn't get the message the first fucking time. YOU'RE ALREADY INSTALLED, YOU SHIT!

[5 Waiting.] [Wishing.]

Fighting evil by moonlight -- an analysis of Sailor Moon [07 Jul 2007|03:53pm]
[ mood | amused ]

The other day I stayed up until 3 AM watching Sailor Moon episodes on Youtube. I can't believe I was ever embarrassed about watching Fruits Basket. Sailor Moon is terrible. The voices were so annoying, and throughtout the whole thing I kept picturing the douchebag losers sitting in a studio doing the voices for the sailor scouts. I hope they all went home wanting to die. Fruits Basket characters > Sailor Moon characters.

Where the fuck do you get the name "Sailor Moon" anyways. Why is she a sailor? There's no ship involved at all. And what is up with her hair? It's not even possible to do hair like that. She also sucks at crying. It annoyed me so much. They wear the same clothes every day and it's these horrendous outfits -- atleast in fruits basket they change their clothes and wear decent things. Also, how can anyone possibly wonder who the sailor scouts are when they look exactly the same transformed as they do when they're regular people, except in different clothes? I would fucking kill myself if no one recognized me everytime I changed my clothes. Also, it seems to me that Sailor Moon is in middle school and Tuxedo Mask is out of highschool. Is he some sort of pedophile? She's definately not legal. I understand how their powers work, obviously fire, thunder and lasers can kill people, and possibly even a magical tiara thrown like a frisbee could do damage.. but Mercury's bubbles? Bubbles are the least hurtful thing I can think of. Inspite all of this retardedness, I love it. I think it's so cool when they transform, even though they have stupid poses and lame "defender of justice" lines. I love love LOVE sailor neptune, and I was sad they didn't have my favorite episodes on youtube. It broke my heart. However, I still love Fruits Basket way more so... fuck you Sailor Moon. 

Yesterday at the dinner table we were all talking and randomly my brother put his head against his shoulder and waved his arm up and down like it was an elephant's trunk and was like, "Hey, look at me! I'm an elephant." and then made elephant noises. it was weird. Earlier on in the library I was looking at books and he was like, "Hey tania, do you think it would be acceptable to make loud noises in the library if you were dying? Because I keep picturing someone having a heartattack and the librarian being like "shhhh!" and making you die quietly." 

That's all I have to say. THE END!

[Wishing.]

So, this is the end. [22 Jun 2007|05:05pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I graduated yesterday. Natt kind of ruined my graduation (of course) by getting an attitude with everyone and rushing us to leave, and I kind of wanted to stick around to say goodbye to some people, but I just left. It wouldn't be fair to say she did it singlehandedly -- my dad showing up made it pretty bad too. I didn't get to say goodbye to Mr. Russell, although I did make him a card but.. I was still kind of bummed. He's so beautiful. Whatever, this is my life. 

Project Graduation was a lot of fun, and this is coming from someone who rarely has fun, but I was writing an email to my cousin and I realized that I did really enjoy myself... besides that period of an hour where I was totally drained of energy. I could have played tag all night. I don't think I'll ever have that much free, childish fun again. On the way out I said goodbye to a lot of people as if I was going to see them again tomorrow, but I won't. It's only a little sad that I won't see these people again, but after spending a lot of time with them, I don't really care that much. It's a little more sad that highschool is over, but that's something you get over and it's not enough to cry about. If I wanted to cry at all it'd be because there's nothing really left for me now. I wish I were going away with everyone else. I don't feel like I'll ever be able to change and grow anymore, commuting. 

When I came home I wasn't even tired. I laid in bed, feeling pretty afraid. There's this distant sad feeling in me and I'm afraid that if I stop and think about it, or that in time, it's going to pull me under and even that happy, untouchable part of me will go away too and I'm just going to waste away. 

Anyways, on a positive note, MY TIGER LILLIES bloomed the other day! They're beautiful! Don't you think? 


I also read a letter that I wrote to myself after freshmen year to open up after graduation. I put it under a cut because no one probably wants to read it, but its for my own purposes that I'm writing in here today anyways:

[Wishing.]

I hope my luck shapes up, someday. [02 Jun 2007|04:52pm]
[ mood | self-pity ]

I want to go see pirates sometime, but I think that I'm going to have to go see it by myself since all of my friends went. Oh well.
[1 Waiting.] [Wishing.]

J'aime le chocolat mousse! [16 May 2007|08:46pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

This is my life right now: Blahblabhalasdlfjljf. 

I started to write a poem today in study hall. I find I get my greatest inspirations while I'm doing something in the bathroom, like showering, (NOT POOPING YOU FUCKHEADS... ok maybe pooping sometimes) or getting dressed. The lines I want to write just come to me. The poem was/is (I don't know which one yet -- if I'll finish it.) about the beggar in pakistan. 

Yesterday I went to the met museum with LPA (my french class... and the spanish 5 girls.. who .. some were pretty obnoxious) and the museum was just ok... but the french restaurant was really good. I had this chocolate mousse I'll never forget. Sometimes I say food tastes so good it was an orgasm in my mouth, but I usually don't mean it. This time I do. I think if I had been alone and eating it, the expression on my face would have told you so. (I started to make this awe stricken face and then someone pointed it out and I held it back.) It was such good chocolate mousse I kept wanting to burp after to re-taste it. I gave the last of it away so people who didn't order it could share a piece of heaven. That's how good it was. 

I'm looking to get a waitressing job after I turn 18, but I'm kind of afraid. I think I might be too timid to have that kind of job. Who knows though, maybe it'll turn me into the little Yolanda I wish I could be at appropriate times. 

I brought home my prom dress today. Natt said it looked very pretty on me so now I feel good about it. I do seek approval from others, I guess.  Bye!

[2 Waiting.] [Wishing.]

Is anybody listening at all? [07 May 2007|09:43pm]
[ mood | defeated ]

I feel like being a horrendous bitch right now. I don't know why. I'm afraid to sign on AIM. I think I might be getting my period because I feel really sad, and the only thing that's bugging me is that I don't want to work nicole's saturday... It's such a little thing, and I'm going to ask her if Liz can do it tomorrow anyways. I guess I just feel like crap over everyone. I get really angry when I talk about graduation presents. I was going to make people stuff and now I'm like fuck that shit! Everyone else is going off to Lala Land, I'm staying here. I think if anything, I'm the one who needs presents -- "Yay! Here's a present because your life sucks!" presents. I don't know why I'm getting so bitter. I love making people things, I just think my effort energy is spent and everytime I think about making anyone anything I want to eat my face off and barph it back up. And anytime anyone mentions the word "college" I really feel like dying but I don't want to say to anyone "not to rain on your parade, but I don't want to talk about how excited you are." Because that's selfish... which.. I am. ...like everyone else. 

How do you spell barph anyways? Is it barf? Because barph... well.. I've always spelt it barph.. 

I read 64 pages of my book at work today. I was very bored. 

Maybe I should stay home from school tomorrow...

[Wishing.]

[05 May 2007|04:10pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Yesterday at lunch, I was talking to Anna and I said, "Hey! I thought teabagging was when.." and I look over my shoulder and Mr. Wilcox had stopped right next to me and gave me the weirdest look, and then walked away. He came back and was like "Yeah, that's got to be pretty embarrassing." Why does that always happen to me? 

At work, I was helping this weird guy (I think he was on drugs or something) with cowboy boots and he was saying how one of them didn't fit him at the ball of his foot and it kind of hurt. So I went to put some other boots away and when I came back he was like, "I had a sudden revelation. I know why this foot hurts. I have a really hard callous on my foot. It's just dry skin, can you see it? I'm peeling it off right now, the boot will probably fit better now." and he kept describing it to me and how he got it and I kind of looked down at the floor because I felt so awkward/weirded out. He was like "I don't mean to be disgusting" as he's peeling his fucking FOOT through his sock right infront of me! And then when he's done being disgusting, he's like "How old are you anyways? 22?" and I said "no.. I'm 17.. well, I'll be 18 soon." and he's like "Damn, I should slap myself, how old do you think I am" and I said 34, even though I thought.. like 50 and he's like "44." and yeah it was creepy and someone's ringing my doorbell so I have to go.

[2 Waiting.] [Wishing.]

This is me down on my knees [03 May 2007|09:23pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I feel like I force myself to go online or something. I don't really feel like going online anymore but I'm not doing anything better anyways. I just sit in bed and read. 

Today I came out of the shower and felt really sad. Well, it's not that I really felt anything, I just found myself crying, so I assume I was sad... but I stopped after a minute (sometimes I think myself into crying) and went on with my business. I get very lost in my own world. I do feel sad now though. I don't know why. Maybe from reading romance novels too much and finding myself empty. 

I usually don't like talking on the phone but I told Olesya to call me after dinner. I told her it was maybe because I'm lonely, but I don't know. It's not like I suddenly want to go ahead and call all of my other friends. 

I feel kind of frustrated when I think of everyone around me.

What is also bothering me is that my mom made this pasta, and it was nice and all but it has these hard spice things in them. It feels so wrong, to have soft pasta in your mouth and then bite on this weird hard thing. I hate it. I don't want to eat it again. 

Another awkward thing today was hearing Mr. Russell say: Penis ("Power of the penis"), "If a girl puts her hands anywhere near her vagina...", explaining what cunningulus is, "If you see a little boy with his hands in his pants, playing with himself...", and  "...Because it feels good to touch there." He laughed after saying some of these things, which made me want to laugh at how awkward he felt... Definately one of my favorite classes.

[3 Waiting.] [Wishing.]

I really wish the world would just go up in flames [29 Apr 2007|05:23pm]
Today at work I was just standing around and this really old guy was walking towards me so I kept smiling at him but he didn't smile back. As he was passing me he kind of stopped and tapped my nose and it made a static shock and then he walked away. It was odd, but I laughed pretty hard.
[2 Waiting.] [Wishing.]

[27 Apr 2007|09:20pm]

Yesterday in Creative Writing Club we workshopped two of my poems. I felt a little nervous beforehand, and then I realized I was being ridiculous because it's not like I'm sitting in a room full of good poets. Most people there bring in stuff they don't really care about, stuff that they "wrote in 5 minutes." (and we sit there workshopping a poem you shat out on a paper in 5 minutes for three times as long as you worked on it.) The poems I brought in actually had meaning to me and I had worked really hard on them. I think I was most afraid of Ms. Fagan. 

Anyways, I'm really glad I did it. She liked them and for one of them I wanted to cry because she knew exactly what I was saying, and what I wasn't saying in the poem too, but how I felt. It's kind of moving when someone sees you, even if it was just through a poem. I don't think that we'll be able to have another coffeehouse this year. There are like 5,000 events planned for May and I really don't think anyone's going to be willing to help me out, especially not the performers. They're such a pain in the ass to beg to do stuff. I don't really have the energy. 

Today I spent all day in bed, reading. I got up to eat once. cool. 

"Tania, I love you but you're sucking up all the oxygen in the room, so get up and leave." -Yasir

This is why I have to cut my entry short, kBYE!

[4 Waiting.] [Wishing.]

[26 Apr 2007|07:51pm]
[ mood | creative ]

Today Olesya was my model (again) for my photography assignment. I'm really excited to see the pictures because she made a really good model... even though some of the pictures were nothing like Jewel music. We went to the Tennis and Fitness center to get a picture of her in this black dress waiting at the bus stop and it was cold and I felt bad for making her do all these weird uncomfortable things, especially when people beeped at us. OH WELL. Hopefully it'll be an A+++ for me. :) She is very purty! <3

In photography class, I think Kevin Dobrindt actually complimented me when no one was listening. He asked me if I looked good in my license picture and I said no and he said "Just normal?" and I was like ... I dunno and he's like "oh, because normal is good too." But most likely, now that I think of it, he probably thought I might be like "so you're saying my normal looks are bad?" Whatever. It was nice anyways. I didn't expect it. 

I'm hungry and I'd really like a strawberry frosted doughnut.

[Wishing.]

I'm not going to cry infront of anyone [25 Apr 2007|04:04pm]
[ mood | bitter ]

Well, here's what's new in my life, in case you didn't know, which most people probably do..

I got my license. I do not have insurance and Mommy and Daddy didn't buy me a car, so the next person who asks me where I've driven can shoot themselves in the fucking face. 

After saying, "I'd rather die than go to Uconn." I am commuting to Uconn, Storrs campus probably since they don't have any good technology in West Hartford. I don't know if anyone knows how bad I feel about it. Whenever I think/hear about how excited people are for college I feel like dying. ...sorry for raining on your parade or whatever, I just really hate everyone right now and I don't know what to do about it. When I look at what the next few years hold for me I feel this overwhelming despair. I bet I'll spend every day hoping to get rammed into by a ginormous truck. I guess it's a good thing Storrs is such a long drive. In that aspect, hopefully I'll get a little luck. I can't really relate to anyone now so it just makes me feel alone and pretty angry. I don't want to lash out on people like, "You're being insensitive!" because I shouldn't be a big baby and expect people to bite down on their excitement just because it hurts me to hear about it. Perhaps I'm a selfish person for every empty congratulations I gave. I hope towards the end of the year no one pretends that they're actually going to stay in touch with me.

Lately though I've been good at pretending I feel glad. I bought bulbs from Home Depot to grow Lillys in my garden and Strawberries too and it makes me very surface happy. I'm also planning on drowning myself in books. School and work also make me feel very surface happy, although I don't know why. I suspect it's because I don't know how else to act.

I've probably told everyone this but the other day in physics, Mr. Fagan was trying to produce a charge by rubbing a cup on his hair and he's like, "why isn't it working?" and I told him its because he doesn't have enough hair, totally not thinking. The look on his face kills me whenever I picture it. I apologized so hard and told him I didn't mean it that way and that it was because he's a boy and has short hair and he said, "I don't think that's why..." and I was like "I want to kill myself." and he told me it was okay. I'm pretty much over how embarrassing and awful that was but I feel so guilty remembering his face. He probably forgot about it by now/didn't care in the first place. 

Writing this entry made me feel like absolute shit. The End.

[1 Waiting.] [Wishing.]

I'm overly proud of my layout [20 Apr 2007|09:57pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

Apparently my layout is all ghetto on some people's screens, which makes me sad... but... I don't know how to fix it so... sorry. It makes me glad to look at.

Olesya showed me that it looked like poop on firefox, so everyone needs to open it in Internet Explorer or else my awesome header won't show up, duh! 

[2 Waiting.] [Wishing.]

I'm alternating between despair and happiness. [20 Apr 2007|05:26pm]
YAY. Look at my new layout. I made it by myself! okaybye!
[2 Waiting.] [Wishing.]

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